Letter to the Editor: The Unveiling of SGD Late Night

Dear Frat-Stars, I mean Gentlemen,

It’s a chilly November evening. You’re alone, in Perkins, where no one can scream without starting an Asian race war. You’re hiding from feminists, powerpoints, your girlfriend, your Shooters girlfriend, a sober Saturday morning, calories, and the Greek Conduct Board. What do you do? Where do you go? SGD has saved you, well sort of.

The men of SGD know what true fear is. Fear is that some sororstitute might overthrow our sweetest bros in the race for Young Trustee. Fear is that Duke women are trying to undermine the values instilled in us by Soulja Boy. Fear is that the fuzz will discover our child porn collections. Fear is realizing that one day SGD chapter meetings could be run with over 30% slampiece attendance.

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Admin Considers New Process for Future Campus Controversy

ALLEN BUILDING — Concerned with the upsurge in controversies that have spread across campus in recent weeks, administrators met Thursday night to discuss the feasibility of an organized structure for propagating controversial events.

“The sex list, the slut emails, the canceling of Tailgate, and child pornography all in the same month? That’s unbelievable,” said Vice President for Student Affairs Barry Loneta. “The system is broken. Duke is on an unsustainable course. If we expend all of these controversies at the same time, how will Duke get in the national limelight in the future?”

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Can Females Be Douchebags?

Women’s Center—The University journal Carpe Noctem alleged in its September issue that females cannot be douchebags, prompting outrage on campus, Women’s Center Director Diane Radne said. The President’s Special Committee on Gender Equality will examine the issue in depth in a series of town hall meetings designed to illicit action plans from the student body. “We need to ensure that female douchebags are not overlooked when we talk about campus culture,” Student Government of Duke Sophomore Senator Carrie Feliz said, “There are female douchebags at Duke and their self-esteem is undermined when male-dominated institutions like Carpe Noctem assert they do not exist.” Radne claims that female douchebags, although more elusive than male douchebags, can be found in most humanities classes and a few sororities.

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Females Begin Month-Long Hunt for Sluttiest Halloween Costume

Southpoint—Thursday marks the first day of the annual month-long expedition to find the sluttiest Halloween costume possible, the University academic calendar confirmed.

On this day, almost every female at the University will begin an exhausting 30-day hunt for a skimpy and suggestive outfit for the Oct. 31 holiday. The holiday is significant because it grants females immunity from being called a “slut” during the 24-hour period.

This month, females will devote numerous hours to procuring thin sheets of fabric and the most pious will spend the entire month fasting in order to fit into their newly acquired garb.

“It’s important for the outfit to be paired with either black knee-high boots, or red or black 3-inch stilettos,” junior Lacey Kim, a veteran Halloween slut who was a French maid last year and Cat woman the year before, advised.

A significant proportion of the male population will also be wearing revealing attire on Halloween, but instead of purchasing a costume, most will simply take off their shirts, write something on their chests and insist they are either a soldier or a gangster.

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Duke Ranks 13th in Sexual Predators

New York—Although administrators like Center for Females Chair Linda Austin have called the University’s sexual predators “the cream of crop,” U.S. News and World Report’s latest ranking disagrees, putting Duke at No. 13 on its annual list of “Top Schools for Excellence in Sexual Predation.”

Duke was ranked behind all of the Ivy League schools and a few public universities, falling four spots from its No. 9 ranking last year. But administrators disagree over the new ranking’s significance.

“The numbers used in these rankings are based on annual statistics of rapes and sexual harassment,” Austin said, “These are not substantial indicators of the skill, brilliance and talent exhibited by the sexual predators at this university. These rankings are often based on quantitative factors that have little or nothing to do with the actual excellence of the education of sexual predation at universities.”

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