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Hey. How’s it going?

Yeah, I know I don’t usually talk to you. In fact, I’ve made it a point to ignore you and pretend that I don’t know you. We used to be friends freshman year, remember? Then I joined a fraternity and, until now, I’ve been too cool to talk to you.

But, good news, friend! Today, I can finally start campaigning, so I will be acting like a decent, upstanding guy for at least two weeks. I’ll start pretending like I actually care about your silly inanities and how your spring break went. I’ll be less of a shit show this weekend and I’ll start bringing up my close connections to various University administrators into casual conversation. (more…)

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In the time you took to fill out your bracket for your “future corporate whore club” pool, 12 baby seals were clubbed to death. Why were those seals clubbed to death? Because people like you are obsessing over Cinderella stories and first-round upsets and nonsense of the like.

March Madness is a time where the world excuses naive students for retreating deeper into their bubbles and neglecting the trillions of impoverished people they could be helping. For some three weeks, the madness grips even the staunchest activists and afflicts them with the desire to sit on their asses and watch televised basketball for days on end. Basketball is a game, you simpletons. And more than just a game, it’s a game controlled by corporations. (more…)

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As mentioned in a previous post, I will be running for Young Trustee. I am unveiling sections of my application to my loyal fans and readers. Below is my response to the third and fourth questions of Part I of the application. I hope all of you are enlightened by my answer.

3. Briefly describe the three most important initiatives you feel the Board of Trustees will face during your term. Given conditions of limited University resources, prioritize these projects and explain your prioritization in detail. (three pages maximum)

The Board’s foremost important initiative must be increasing literacy amongst the lemur populations at Duke Forest. It’s embarrassing that such a large research institution does nearly nothing about the devastating lack of education that pervades the Duke Forest. We need to invest resources into this project as soon as possible.

Secondly, we need to do something about orphans in Africa. Each dorm should be required do adopt one orphan. Students will be taught responsibility and orphans will be saved. We shall call this project, DukeOrphans.

Lastly, environmental concerns must be addressed in order to combat global warming. To reduce the use of electricity, we should enforce a mandatory tenting policy on all students and cut classroom time by 31 percent. Also, to prevent water shortages, we need to stop watering the grass, but also plant as many trees as possible to stop global warming.

4. What is the one issue that the Board of Trustees may not face during your term, but you feel is important to the future success of Duke University? Explain why this issue is important. (one page maximum)

In approximately 50 years, we will make contact with alien life forms. It’s important that we are prepared to handle this delicate situation when the time comes because all of humankind, including University faculty and students, may be enslaved or killed in the impending alien attack. To protect the University, we must build a large invisibility shield around the University and then harvest enough eggs and seamen to repopulate the planet.

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As mentioned in a previous post, I will be running for Young Trustee. I am unveiling sections of my application to my loyal fans and readers. Below is my response to the second question of Part I of the application. I hope all of you are enlightened by my answer.

2. What personal qualities/philosophies do you possess that enhance your ability to serve as a Young Trustee? What personal qualities/philosophies do you possess that may limit your ability to serve as a Young Trustee? (two pages maximum)

My devotion to civic engagement makes me a strong candidate for Young Trustee. I am able to understand and empathize with the needs of a variety of different peoples, including young orphans, illiterate lemurs, sweatshop workers, illegal immigrants, baby kittens and any and all sick and/ or dying persons. (more…)

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Ladies and gentleman, make no mistake: the devastation that continues to ravage Haiti is an attack of terror perpetrated by a terrorist cell only known as Nature, also often called God. The tens of thousands of lives lost in this attack must not go unpunished and we must not concede to Nature’s demands.

For years, I, like many of you, have feared the wrath of Nature and have yielded to her demands: I have recycled against my will; I have protested cruelty against animals; I even stopped burning coal for recreational purposes. And yet Nature has shown no mercy and continued to attack civilian non-discriminantly.

Now is the time to act. We must respond to these terrorist attacks with a swift show of force that will cripple Nature’s allies and and deprive her of her resources. (more…)

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As mentioned in a previous post, I will be running for Young Trustee. I am unveiling sections of my application to my loyal fans and readers. Below is my response to the first question of Part I of the application. I hope all of you are enlightened by my answer.

1. What is your perception of the role of Young Trustee? (one page maximum)

The role of the Young Trustee is to provide the Board of Trustees with the opportunity to solicit student opinion on issues affecting the University. The Young Trustee must be in tune with student opinion, as well as all members of the University community, including, but not limited to:

1. The lemurs that inhabit Duke Forest

2. The campus cats and their progeny

3. The pack of wild dog-wolves that roam Central Campus

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What most privileged college students don’t realize is that every dollar spent on Christmas gifts comes directly out of the pockets of the world’s impoverished. Most of Duke’s consumerist whore future I-Bankers will come up with some fancy b.s. economic model to hide the human suffering that hides behind every present you gifted to some other privileged friend. But I’m here to tell you the true story about how terrible a person your winter vacation reveals you to be.

You could have gainfully employed yourself in improving the lives of billions, but instead, you sat on your ever-expanding ass and watched Avatar. Think of all the things you could have been doing, namely, what I was doing:

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