Common Rooms Seperate, But Equal

Office of Student Activities and Facilities—Campus Council deliberated on common area usage in their Thursday night meeting and ultimately decided to separate common areas into unaffiliated and affiliated sections. All independent common areas will be located on Central Campus, and will include such locations as Uncle Harry’s laundry room and grocery store, that piece of grass behind the bus stop on Anderson and the bike rack on Pace, Campus Council President Sean Church said. “It’s very hard for us to gouge the sentiment of independents on campus because we don’t want to really put in the effort to speak to them,” Church said, “So we just decided to assume they didn’t want to have space on West.” According to Church, the common rooms for affiliated and unaffiliated, although separate and clearly favoring the affiliated, will be “equal enough.”

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Hell, No, We Won’t Go To Central

On behalf of adorable and fluffy pets everywhere, I would like to make it clear that we have no desire, in any way, to live on Central Campus. Campus Council has been grossly misinformed in its policy to allow students to keep pets on Central Campus.

Make no mistake: Central Campus is a disgusting hell hole. There are cockroaches there larger than some of my more petite kitten colleagues. There are rats there that could devour me in a single bite. There are drunken frat boys there who may force me to lap up spilled alcohol.

Also, students are not capable of seeing our many needs. I need to be played with and entertained at all times of the day, regardless of whether or not you have class. My litter box needs to be cleaned. And every so often, I need to be able to sink my teeth into the flesh of some unsuspecting bird. Sure, at first, you’re always playing and cuddling with us, but, after a few weeks, it’s midterms and then it’s all, “Shut up, I’m studying,” or “Don’t eat that!” or “Go find your own fresh milk.”

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Light One Up For Dear Old Duke at 3 p.m. Tomorrow

Fuck Campus Council. That’s what I say to their silly little plan to slowly stamp out free will on campus by restricting where I smoke. This university was founded on sweet, sweet tobacco and it’s a shame we have stop honoring our founders’ legacy because some people don’t know how to breathe correctly.

Let’s let Campus Council and all those liberal pussies out there know what’s what with a good old-fashioned smoke-a-thon. Whip out your cigarettes, cigars and bongs and smoke whatever you got tomorrow, Oct. 16, at 3 p.m. in front of the James B. Duke statue in front of the Chapel. Because that’s what he would have wanted.

Hunter Vega is the opinion editor of The Weedicle.

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Smokers To Be Interned In Camps

Residence Life and Housing Services—Campus Council will implement its proposal to sequester all smokers in a camp in Edens Quadrangle, Campus Council President Sean Church said. According to the Campus Council Web site, the reason for the policy shift is to prevent cigarette smoke from interfering with health and lives of “normal, contributing members of society.” “We shouldn’t have to share airspace with smokers,” Church said, “Our internment policy simply recognizes the fact that it would just be easier for the minority to do what the majority tells them to.” The policy says that smokers will be herded into Edens picnic shelter on Monday, roughed up a little and then be left to live out the rest of their days in solitude.

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Campus Council Tops Own Incompetency Record, Power-Tripping at All Time High

Great Hall—Shocking many student group observers, Campus Council managed to top its own incompetency records Friday by mangling yet another free T-shirt distribution.

Campus Council had previously set the University record two years ago for incompetency by failing to create a proper line in the 2007 Homecoming Pep Rally Homecoming T-Shirt Distributions, which resulted in general mayhem. And exactly two years later, Campus Council has stepped its incompetency up a notch, demonstrating the group’s commitment to inequity and destroying long-held line forming traditions.

“We’re taking incompetency and power-tripping to new levels this year,” senior Campus Council executive board member Ashley Daniels said, “And I think students have really noticed it, especially at this event.”

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