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Archive for the ‘Politics’ Category

Search words: Young Toolbag, Weedicle, Lacrosse, Arnold Potty, Yogibearhead!sucks

+ Good day, loyal readers!!! Weedicle Reality Checker here. Today the University finds itself on the brink of total annihilation. Please read.

+ Last Sunday the Young Toolbag Nominating Committee selected three finalists for the Young Toolbag Pageant, an esteemed position known to most as students as “an extra line on the resume.” However, Weedicle Reality Checker can exclusively reveal now that two of the finalists selected are under investigation for being the same person!!!

Candidates “Matt Davis” and The Kid from Texas (sometimes known as “Ben Getson”) are believed to be the same individual, YTNC officials confirmed Tuesday morning.

“I first became suspicious when I saw their pictures in the Chronic,’” a member of the YTNC (who wishes to remain anonymous) explained. “Both dudes were white with brown hair and glasses. We never talked to the candidates all at once. They could have just worn different shirts to their interviews.”

Since Sunday, four other members of the YTNC have come forward attesting that “Matt Davis” and The Kid from Texas are the same person. Some committee members are still skeptical, though. As one member told RC, “When I read their majors, it suddenly became clear. ‘Biomedical engineering?’ ‘Computer science?’ I mean, those sound exactly the same to me. Then again… so does ‘Underwater Basket Weaving’ and ‘Public Policy.’ It is just too difficult to be certain.”

YTNC Chair and SGD Senator Charisma Lawson continues to maintain that the two candidates are definitely two different individuals. “I mean, one kid is involved in SGD, the other is not. It’s comparing apples to oranges. Now for the girl candidates, on the other hand… to this day I could not tell you which one we chose as a finalist.  I just know it was a girl.  They are all basically the same anyway, right?”

+ Thus far, there has been no word from the Allen building. This reeks of lacrosse!!!

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Bryan Center—In a surprisingly bold counter-move, Duke Student Government president-elect Nolan Smith ruled the student government’s judiciary’s ruling of his decision unconstitutional to be unconstitutional.

“The judiciary board said that my decision to open up the senate races to candidates of my choice was unconstitutional, on the grounds that the constitution doesn’t give me the power to do that.” Nolan said, “But, the constitution doesn’t give them the power to rule decisions unconstitutional.  Thus, I rule their decision unconstitutional and therefore void.”

As far as constitutional specialists can tell, this leaves every student government position open for the taking.

The Constitution could not be reached for comment.

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Bryan Center—Four students delivered the death blow to the sham often called Duke Student Government today. The judiciary ruled in favor of the four complainants who succeeded in disqualifying their opponents in the DSG elections for vice presidents, senators and class council to be held this Thursday.

The complainants were able to increase the number of uncontested elections from three to 11, effectively raping democracy so hard that she will probably never trust another student government candidate again. (more…)

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Bryan Center—Young Trustee-Elect Nolan Smith, who woke up this morning feeling like “ndotsmitty,” was declared the victor of the Duke Student Government Presidential election, his second electoral victory this year in as many tries.

Smith, who was dragged into the presidential race by the short, blond-haired candidate in his campaign video, earned a whopping 73 percent of the vote, beating all three different hairstyles on the white dude who was running.

Earlier this year, Smith was named the undergraduate Young Trustee. The DSG presidential race is yet another victory for Smith in an election in which he did not run in. (more…)

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12 a.m. Tuesday, March 30

Will Passo: 370 fans

Mike LeFevre: 358 fans

Gregory Morrison: 337 fans (more…)

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News reporter Eli Navarro is blogging live from the Duke Student Government Presidential Debate at the Great Hall.

9:04 p.m. It’s beginning. White boys, unite (on the stage, please). About 40 people are here. I’m guessing less than five of them didn’t come with Chronicle, DSG, or one of the candidates.

9:06 p.m. Dude who is chair of The Chronicle editorial board is welcoming us. He also looks like all the candidates. Awkward.

9:07 p.m. LeFevre claims to have taken bullets (plural!) for the current president. Not sure if gunshot wounds can be added to one’s GPA. Also, this kid has a tie clip. Frat.

9:10 p.m. LeFevre claims he got us Sunday brunch at the Refectory.

9:11 p.m. “What is this about?” Morrison asks. Good news, kids, the boy has an answer: it’s about advocacy and getting students in the room in discussions in the future. Really? Because I thought this was about brunch.

9:13 p.m. Passo is from Oregon. (Objection! Relevance?) His theme is, Let’s Bring a New Duke to Life. Ergo, Passo is some sort of zombie-advocate.

9:14 p.m. Question time! Gregory says that the current student government’s biggest accomplishment over the past two years has been navigating bad economic times. They’ve been telling the administration how to cut the budget—and they’ve been struggling, damn it. In conclusion, DSG has not been the administration’s bitch for the past two years.

9:17 p.m. Passo says the biggest failure of DSG over the past two years is the failure to address student groups and making the budget process difficult.

9:19 p.m. LeFevre will let us hard-core stalk senators. Win. Also, if we work together and make love, not war, we can help save baby seals (and Duke Dining). (more…)

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Bryan Center—All the candidates for Duke Student Government President are actually the same white dude wearing different wigs, DSG Elections Chief Maggie Branche said today, confirming rumors that have been circulating among the student body for days. The election, however, will continue, Branche said. Next Tuesday, students will be able to vote directly on the hairstyle they prefer to see this random white guy wear, Branche says.

Voters’ suspicions were raised last week when various minority groups noticed candidates’ backgrounds, resumes and platforms appeared to be almost identical. All three candidates’ resumes listed extensive experience on DSG in a vice president position and all their platforms promised more services, even in the midst of a recession.

(more…)

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