Administrators ‘Only Meant Well’ In Merging International House, Multicultural Center

101 Flowers—Office of Student Affairs Vice President Jason DeRulo said today that he “only meant well” when he decided to merge the International House and Multicultural Center into one organization, tentatively called the Global Culture Center. “It’s all for the best,” Derulo said. But he expressed regret that many students and administrators are protesting the [...]

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Hate Crimes Against Huns Rise Post-Mulan Screening

Griffith Auditorium—Duke University Police Department has reported that there were at least three hate crimes committed against the Huns, a Asiatic minority, after the Duke University Union’s Mulan Sing-Along event Friday night. According to the police incident reports, early Saturday morning, two unidentified male students shot fireworks into a Central Campus Apartment, shouting, “The Huns [...]

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Study: Criminals Get Little To No Rest

Erwin Bay—Researchers in the Duke psychology lab published the results of a study that shows a negative correlation between sleep and criminal activity, head researcher Cage the Elephant said Friday. According to Elephant, because “money don’t grow on trees” and “there ain’t nothing in this world for free,” those who engage in criminal activities, such [...]

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Fire Burns Shooters Dance Floor

Shooters II—Thursday night, an unidentified female student set fire to the dance floor at Shooters II, Durham Fire Marshall Sean Kingston confirmed. Minutes after the incident, somebody called 911 and the female student was cooled down after threatening to “bring the roof to the ground.” No students were injured, but the incident did call attention [...]

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So, So What? I’m Still a Tool Bag

I guess I just lost my chance I don’t know where the recruiter went So I’m gonna update my resume I’m not gonna get his card I got a brand new fancy tie And I’m gonna wear it tonight I’m gonna get a job I wanna make some money Na, na, na, na, na, na, [...]

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Common Ground to be Held at the Hotel, Motel, Holiday Inn

Race Relations Center—The Race Relations Center will now move their annual fall break retreat, Common Ground, to a hotel, motel or Holiday Inn, Common Ground Facilitator Pitbull said. The decision to change the retreat’s location was made after Sanford School of Public Policy researchers published a report saying that those who engaged in interracial sexual [...]

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