Letter to the Editor: The Unveiling of SGD Late Night

Dear Frat-Stars, I mean Gentlemen, It’s a chilly November evening. You’re alone, in Perkins, where no one can scream without starting an Asian race war. You’re hiding from feminists, powerpoints, your girlfriend, your Shooters girlfriend, a sober Saturday morning, calories, and the Greek Conduct Board. What do you do? Where do you go? SGD has [...]

Read Full Post »

Army Movements Suggest Impending Attack; State of Emergency Declared

Main Quadrangle—Hundreds of troops forming almost a dozen legions were spotted on campus today, marching and training for what Duke Intelligence Agency officials have warned could be an attack upon campus soil. Sources at Intercampus Police have confirmed that general infantry movements were spotted in areas previously thought to be impenetrable, like the Chapel and [...]

Read Full Post »

Line Monitors, B-ball Staff Consider Banning Independents From Nov. 13 Game

Krzyzewskiville—Student Government of Duke line monitors and men’s basketball officials are considering holding a theme night, similar to Senior Night, that would discourage independents from attending the game, Director of Athletic Services Karl Black said. They are discussing making the Nov. 13 game against the University of North Carolina at Greensboro a Greek Night. Although [...]

Read Full Post »

Letter to the Editor: Panhel, Do Not Pull Out

Dear lovely, compassionate sisters of the University’s nine Panhellenic sororities, I was deeply saddened to learn that you will not be participating in our annual Lip Sync event during our fraternity’s Derby Days. I ask that you reconsider your decision, not for me or my glorious fraternity, but for the children. Derby Days is a [...]

Read Full Post »

Greek Students Bemoan Disrupted Events

OSAF—The Greek Students Association is on the verge of lodging a formal complaint after a series of disrupted meetings, publicity events and other activities, the group’s president confirmed today. “We are becoming increasingly frustrated with misinterpretation of who we are and what we do on campus,” GSA President Ajax Thanos said, “Greek students are all [...]

Read Full Post »

Greek Students Celebrate Innate Superiority

Office of Fraternity and Sorority Life—Members of the University’s fraternities and sororities proclaimed their superiority over independent students and members of Selective Living Groups in a three-day celebration that ends today. “We want to make it very clear that members of sororities and fraternities are inherently better than those who are not members of these [...]

Read Full Post »

Can Females Be Douchebags?

Women’s Center—The University journal Carpe Noctem alleged in its September issue that females cannot be douchebags, prompting outrage on campus, Women’s Center Director Diane Radne said. The President’s Special Committee on Gender Equality will examine the issue in depth in a series of town hall meetings designed to illicit action plans from the student body. [...]

Read Full Post »

Letter to the Editor: Interfrat Council Accepts Responsibility for Tailgate

Members of the Duke University community: As the president of Duke’s fraternity system, I would like to recognize and take responsibility for some of the awesome and fratacular behavior exhibited at Tailgate on Sept. 26. This is completely consistent with our fraternities’ past actions. Fraternities serve as a driving force behind much of Tailgate, and [...]

Read Full Post »

Male Student Fails Hook-Up Attempt

Shooters II—Last Friday, senior Bobby Redson spent nearly 30 minutes attempting to hook up with a female student before he realized the efforts were futile, he reported in a press conference held in his fraternity section today. After approximately 3 songs in which Redson “ground up” against the same female, the female student allegedly identified [...]

Read Full Post »