Letter to the Editor: The Unveiling of SGD Late Night

Dear Frat-Stars, I mean Gentlemen, It’s a chilly November evening. You’re alone, in Perkins, where no one can scream without starting an Asian race war. You’re hiding from feminists, powerpoints, your girlfriend, your Shooters girlfriend, a sober Saturday morning, calories, and the Greek Conduct Board. What do you do? Where do you go? SGD has [...]

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Admin Considers New Process for Future Campus Controversy

ALLEN BUILDING — Concerned with the upsurge in controversies that have spread across campus in recent weeks, administrators met Thursday night to discuss the feasibility of an organized structure for propagating controversial events. “The sex list, the slut emails, the canceling of Tailgate, and child pornography all in the same month? That’s unbelievable,” said Vice [...]

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Can Females Be Douchebags?

Women’s Center—The University journal Carpe Noctem alleged in its September issue that females cannot be douchebags, prompting outrage on campus, Women’s Center Director Diane Radne said. The President’s Special Committee on Gender Equality will examine the issue in depth in a series of town hall meetings designed to illicit action plans from the student body. [...]

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Females Begin Month-Long Hunt for Sluttiest Halloween Costume

Southpoint—Thursday marks the first day of the annual month-long expedition to find the sluttiest Halloween costume possible, the University academic calendar confirmed. On this day, almost every female at the University will begin an exhausting 30-day hunt for a skimpy and suggestive outfit for the Oct. 31 holiday. The holiday is significant because it grants [...]

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Duke Ranks 13th in Sexual Predators

New York—Although administrators like Center for Females Chair Linda Austin have called the University’s sexual predators “the cream of crop,” U.S. News and World Report’s latest ranking disagrees, putting Duke at No. 13 on its annual list of “Top Schools for Excellence in Sexual Predation.” Duke was ranked behind all of the Ivy League schools [...]

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