Letter to the Editor: The Unveiling of SGD Late Night

Dear Frat-Stars, I mean Gentlemen, It’s a chilly November evening. You’re alone, in Perkins, where no one can scream without starting an Asian race war. You’re hiding from feminists, powerpoints, your girlfriend, your Shooters girlfriend, a sober Saturday morning, calories, and the Greek Conduct Board. What do you do? Where do you go? SGD has [...]

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Admin Considers New Process for Future Campus Controversy

ALLEN BUILDING — Concerned with the upsurge in controversies that have spread across campus in recent weeks, administrators met Thursday night to discuss the feasibility of an organized structure for propagating controversial events. “The sex list, the slut emails, the canceling of Tailgate, and child pornography all in the same month? That’s unbelievable,” said Vice [...]

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Student Government Gives Up Advocacy Role, Starts Match-Making

Bryan Center—After the hailstorm of criticism Student Government of Duke received for its handling of the Young Trustee election process, SGD President Ashley Noir announced today that SGD will cease all current efforts and devote resources to improving the romantic lives of students instead. “We’re honestly not that good at advocacy or addressing student concerns,” [...]

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DSG To Vote On Resolution To Send Strongly Worded E-Mail Protesting Proposed Dining Plan

Schicano Auditorium—Duke Student Government will hold an emergency meeting to vote on whether or not it will pass a resolution that would give the president the authority to send a “strongly worded” e-mail to University administrators expressing disappointment over the new “directed choice” dining plan, DSG Executive Vice President Gerald Marrysen said. The resolution is [...]

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Council of Elrond to Finalize Young Trustee Bylaw

Rivendell, Middle Earth—Following the failure of the Duke Student Government senate to reach a consensus on a Young Trustee selection process, the decision has been delegated to the Council of Elrond. Renowned for its swift decision-making that led to the destruction of the One Ring of Sauron during the Battle for Middle Earth, the Council [...]

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Student Government To Run In Circles Until Young Trustee Nominates Self

Bryan Center—After Duke Student Government President Ashley Naan vetoed the senate’s proposal for popular elections of the Young Trustee, Vice President George Marriden proposed that all members of the student government run in concentric circles until the future Young Trustee appeared from thin air. The proposal was passed unanimously and the Young Trustee Nominating Committee [...]

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Duke Student Government: ‘Let There Be Voting’

CIEMAS—On the sixth day of the debate over the Young Trustee selection process, the Duke Student Government Senate said, “Let there be voting to determine the final selection of the Young Trustee.” And the senate saw that it was good. And the senate banned campaigning for the position, and made the nominating committee of six [...]

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Young Trustee Reform Not Reformed Enough

After spending hundreds of words detailing the problems with the Young Trustee process, The Chronic’s independent editorial board would like to spell out exactly how Duke Student Government Special Secretary Alice Changer can legitimize the Young Trustee selection process. Our proposal is the simple addition of three amendments: 1. All members of the Nominating Committee [...]

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Reforms Will Expand Role of DSG Judiciary

CIEMAS—In its weekly meeting, the Duke Student Government Senate approved bylaws to expand the powers and jurisdiction of the student government judiciary to include decisions of fact and law concerning conflicts between student groups. The first such case that will confront the judiciary is the case of Lesbian, Bisexual, Gay, and Transgender Center v. Duke [...]

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‘Fundamentals of Young Trustee Selection Process Strong’

CIEMAS—Duke Student Government Special Secretary for the Young Trustee process Ashely Changer told the student body Wednesday that the “fundamentals of Young Trustee selection process are strong,” despite what she called “tremendous turmoil in the faith of students have in our selection process.” She continued, “People are frightened by these events… But these are very, [...]

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