Search words: Young Toolbag, Weedicle, Lacrosse, Arnold Potty, Yogibearhead!sucks

+ Good day, loyal readers!!! Weedicle Reality Checker here. Today the University finds itself on the brink of total annihilation. Please read.

+ Last Sunday the Young Toolbag Nominating Committee selected three finalists for the Young Toolbag Pageant, an esteemed position known to most as students as “an extra line on the resume.” However, Weedicle Reality Checker can exclusively reveal now that two of the finalists selected are under investigation for being the same person!!!

Candidates “Matt Davis” and The Kid from Texas (sometimes known as “Ben Getson”) are believed to be the same individual, YTNC officials confirmed Tuesday morning.

“I first became suspicious when I saw their pictures in the Chronic,’” a member of the YTNC (who wishes to remain anonymous) explained. “Both dudes were white with brown hair and glasses. We never talked to the candidates all at once. They could have just worn different shirts to their interviews.”

Since Sunday, four other members of the YTNC have come forward attesting that “Matt Davis” and The Kid from Texas are the same person. Some committee members are still skeptical, though. As one member told RC, “When I read their majors, it suddenly became clear. ‘Biomedical engineering?’ ‘Computer science?’ I mean, those sound exactly the same to me. Then again… so does ‘Underwater Basket Weaving’ and ‘Public Policy.’ It is just too difficult to be certain.”

YTNC Chair and SGD Senator Charisma Lawson continues to maintain that the two candidates are definitely two different individuals. “I mean, one kid is involved in SGD, the other is not. It’s comparing apples to oranges. Now for the girl candidates, on the other hand… to this day I could not tell you which one we chose as a finalist.  I just know it was a girl.  They are all basically the same anyway, right?”

+ Thus far, there has been no word from the Allen building. This reeks of lacrosse!!!

Let me tell you why you should vote for Kitty McGee. Many will spout nonsense like, “oh diversity, we haven’t had a female YT” or “there has never been a ginger Young Trustee.” This reasoning undermines the qualification of Ms. McGee. She is truly, in every way  but one, a candidate of the people.

Her platform is based on seven points of her personality, experience and dedication. To find out exactly why we here at the Weedicle feel so strongly about Kitty McGee, please visit her incredibly informative website by following this link. She is so right for this position, you won’t be able to stop oohing and awing over her.

You may be wondering if Kitty is even eligible to run as a write-in candidate. The Attorney-General and the Board of Elections have confirmed, that in the standard operating procedures of the Young Trustee election, there are no rules against species other than humans running for the position. A loophole Ms. McGee intends to exploit fully.

When asked if she thought write-in candidates invalidate the actions of the Young Toolbag Nominating Committee (YTNC) and make the Instant Run-off system specified in the election by-laws an absurdity as it allows for infinite candidates, Ms. McGee responded “I iz rite-in, I can haz Young Trustee pozition!”

Yes you can Kitty, Yes You Can!

At its meeting Wednesday evening, the Student Government of Duke decided to rename the “Young Toolbag Pageant,” in light of its growing concern that the position was being taken too seriously.

“SGD will now refer to the process as the ‘Young Toolbag Circus,’” the new senate bill stated.

“We wanted to make sure that people understood that this position actually has no bearing to anything relevant in student or university life whatsoever,” SGD Executive Vice President Patrick Lime explained.

“When I talked to YTNC Chair Charisma Lawson it appeared that some applicants had erroneously gotten the idea of ‘effecting change’ and ‘making meaningful contributions to their alma mater,’” SGD VP for Stuff Outside the Bubble, Victor Calloway added.   “The re-branding of the selection process as a ‘Circus,’ really hits at the totally pointless nature of the position.”

To further enhance the re-branding of the position, SGD also affirmed an order to allow anyone to run in the general election through a “write-in” process.

“I iz so excited to run 4 Young Trustee,” a potential candidate, Kitty McGee wrote in an email.  “I iz not even a Dook student, but I iz sew kyute. Plz vote 4 me, friendz.”

Glenn George Jr. III, Trinity ’02 and Young Toolbag from 2002 to 2005 also expressed positive sentiment towards the changes.  “I ran for Young Toolbag because I heard they got free trips back to Duke, but I came out with so much less than I had ever imagined.  I really hope that as many students as possible snatch up the opportunity to do absolutely nothing for awhile.”

Bureaucracy weeped Monday night as leaders from Campus Council and the Student Government of Duke discussed an impending merger.

The committee evaluated a written application and 10-minute interview to determine which candidates exhibited the most toolbaggy qualities in both writing and appearance.  “All the chicks wore JCrew, which pretty much made them indistinguishable, but this one dude wore TOMS instead of Board of Toolbags-approved Sperry Top-Siders.  Automatic NO,” SGD Senator and YTNC member Arlene Barker stated.

In addition to the interview and application, a new category, “candidate names,” was added to the selection criteria this year.  “In the past, the first round in the application process has been ‘blind,’ meaning the committee would read applications without any indication of candidates’ names,” YTNC Chair and sophomore SGD Senator Charisma Lawson explained.  “However, we felt that names were an incredibly important judge of how a candidate would fit into the Board of Toolbags.  Candidates with a “Jr.” or “III” on the end of their name will bode well in the pageant, but I can’t imagine what we’d do if we had another ‘Sunny Kantha‘ debacle.”

From here the 8 semifinalists will be narrowed down to 3 through a longer, formal pageant interview, in which candidates will be expected to regurgitate the Duke Strategic Plan for no fewer than 20 minutes.  As the student body awaits this final selection, the Weedicle’s top Facebook-stalking and Google-searching expert, Weedicle Fact Checker, has compiled a composite of the 8 semifinalist profiles, highlighting each candidate’s toolbaggiest qualities.

1. The Dude with the Swishy Hair
   In an October 2007 interview with Esquire magazine, the Dude with the Swishy Hair stated that he used no fewer than 39 different hair products in his daily morning routine and was even voted “Dude Most Likely to Whip My Hair Back and Forth” in high school.  Correlation between hair swishiness and success in the Young Toolbag pageant has been deemed “highly significant,” as judged by the extreme hair swishiness of one of the current Young Toolbags, Ryan Todd, Trinity ’08. 

   

2. The Girl(s)
   It is reported that two different girls made it to the semifinalist round, but their physical likeness (both have long hair and boobs) have made them virtually impossible to differentiate.   For all intents and purposes, the Weedicle will consider them as “the” female candidate. 

   

3. The SGD Senator
   Though three of the seven candidates (four of the eight candidates, if you count each girl as a different person) are affiliated in some way with the Student Government of Duke, this candidate alone holds the prestigious title of “Senator.”  Key qualifications for this candidate include raising his hand the most during SGD meetings and voting for Barack Obama. 

   

4. The Chronic Edit Board Guy
   Every year, there must be at least one Chronic Edit Board Guy for the Young Toolbag selection process to be legitimate.  This year, it’s this guy. 

   

5. “Matt Davis”
   A Google search for candidate “Matt Davis” yielded approximately 4,030,000 results.  (Generic name = increased toolbaggyness.)  Weedicle experts have narrowed down the possibilities of this candidate to three individuals: (1) Myspace personality “Matt Davis,” who enjoys writing in all caps and preying on underage girls; (2) Actor “Matt Davis,” most famously known for almost nonexistent roles in the premier films Legally Blonde and Blue Crush, and (3) the ultimate toolbag, “Matt Davis,” UNC Alum. 

   

6. The Rhodes Scholar
   Need we say more? 

   

7. The Kid from Texas
   The state of Texas has long been known to fuel the guerrilla toolbag militia group, “The Republicans.” While it is undetermined if this candidate supports the elephant cause, this photograph obtained by Weedicle Fact Checker shows clear ties between the candidate and a rebel fruititarian group believed to finance many “Republican” activities.

FLOWERS 301 - Friday evening, the Chron reported that John Chambers (pictured above) has been named as the commencement speaker for the Class of 2011.  While Duke President Yogi Bearhead wrote to us of his “great excitement over picking a dude so highly ranked on Forbes,” many students we spoke with said they had “not yet had the chance to look him up on Wikipedia.”  Who do you think John Chambers is? Fill out the poll below.

Story at Washington Post

When asked at the press conference about WikiLeaks, one unnamed official reportedly said, “We’re gonna get those f***ers.  You mess with America, you get the horns.”

The leading theory right now is that the US is holding the summit as a trap to lure WikiLeaks agents to the United States.  One thing’s for sure: The Weedicle will be there.

Due to rising costs for winter heating, and seeing as how Mike Krzyzewski is really the best hope Duke has for just about anything, we have decided to rely on Duke Basketball to cover some of the heating costs for dorms on Main West. We think that a huge victory once or twice a month is not too much to ask.

“I’ve been looking for an outlet to exacerbate my lack of confidence, social anxiety, and body-image issues, and when I picked up my copy of DMIX from under a trash pile outside of Gross Chem, I felt like I finally found something to fill the void,” sophomore Hillary Godde stated.

“If only DMIX had been around at the time of the Gender Forum,” Student Government of Duke President Matt Lincoln lamented.  “We might have almost become irrelevant.”

The Weedicle received an advance copy of the publication, which named “starving” and “over-exercising” as key December trends in campus living habits.  An article, entitled “Beauty and Brains” is reprinted exclusively here.

“Let’s be honest.  I look like this because I run three miles a day and eat salad,” junior Belle Jones wrote in DMIX.

The magazine, which cites a variety of white and extra white people as “Duke’s Hot to Watch” has been touted for its edgy, provocative subject matter.

“I was interning at the prestigious Detroit Daily Courier, a lifestyle/society publication in Detroit,” founding co-editor Jaz Simpson explained to the Weedicle, “when I looked around the office at the beautiful issues on the table, at the articles I was writing, and thought, ‘I wish Duke students had a medium through which to champion their insecurities, too.’”

Simpson is not alone. Duke nutritionist Franklin Alphie wrote in an email that after the Karen Owen powerpoint and fraternity emails, “Female self-esteem on campus is at an all-time high.  This is the perfect opportunity to build on that momentum and really give Duke students something they can live up to: calcium deficiency and size 00 waists.”

“It was almost a tangible, physical sensation,” Simpson wrote in his inaugural letter from the editor.  “The tumblers opened, the lock clicked, the door burst, stars shimmered in the heretofore vacant night sky, and ideas surged out in waves that haven’t been since Noah set sail. DMIX is like, a trashy gossip column meets the KKK.”

And set sail he did.  Left in bathrooms, art history books, study carrels, and the trashcan outside of Bostock, it is estimated that up to four or five students have read DMIX.

“We expect readership to go up by at least one or two people come the next publication cycle,” publisher Carla Muir said.  “We will soon rival the Chronic.”

Future issues of DMIX hope to target the cutting edge topics of “Stuff White People Like” and “Why Women Shouldn’t Vote.”

Click to enlarge previews:

“I spoke much too soon about the change in culture that I wanted to see on our esteemed campus,” said President Bearhead. “I had no idea our students could perform at this level, and it overwhelms me to see the student body doing their part to bring notoriety to our university.”

Kalesh Patel received the top award, amounting to possibly 20 years of funding for future research in his field of child development. The Weedicle was unable to obtain a comment from Patel as he prepares for his acceptance into one of the nation’s highest ranked institutions.

Three additional students were recognized in private ceremonies. Their names have yet to be released, however their work and research received praise in today’s Chronicle. Duke University Privilege Division (DUPD)  issued a brief stating that these students were “pump[ing] up the volume” of current research, and their actions are as influential as an “executive order.”

Beatrice Wesley, associate director of the Office of Trinity Scholars and Felons, said Duke should be proud of recent recipients. “This is the largest number of Felons [Duke] has ever had, to my knowledge,” Wesley said.

The application and interview process proved to be an extensive test of character and quick thinking, including the question, “What would you do if you had morals?”

“This is why duke students make me feel inferior lol, congrats,” wished Evelyn Carpenter, Trinity ’12.