Now that I’m Running for Office, I’m Going to Acknowledge Your Existence

Hey. How’s it going? Yeah, I know I don’t usually talk to you. In fact, I’ve made it a point to ignore you and pretend that I don’t know you. We used to be friends freshman year, remember? Then I joined a fraternity and, until now, I’ve been too cool to talk to you. But, [...]

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Let Me Tell You What You Should Think About March Madness

In the time you took to fill out your bracket for your “future corporate whore club” pool, 12 baby seals were clubbed to death. Why were those seals clubbed to death? Because people like you are obsessing over Cinderella stories and first-round upsets and nonsense of the like. March Madness is a time where the [...]

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Let Me Tell You Which Problems I Will Solve as Young Trustee

As mentioned in a previous post, I will be running for Young Trustee. I am unveiling sections of my application to my loyal fans and readers. Below is my response to the third and fourth questions of Part I of the application. I hope all of you are enlightened by my answer. 3. Briefly describe [...]

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Let Me Tell You Why I Will Be a Better Young Trustee Than Anyone Else Who Is Running

As mentioned in a previous post, I will be running for Young Trustee. I am unveiling sections of my application to my loyal fans and readers. Below is my response to the second question of Part I of the application. I hope all of you are enlightened by my answer. 2. What personal qualities/philosophies do [...]

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Respond to Terrorist Attacks in Haiti Quickly, Brutally

Ladies and gentleman, make no mistake: the devastation that continues to ravage Haiti is an attack of terror perpetrated by a terrorist cell only known as Nature, also often called God. The tens of thousands of lives lost in this attack must not go unpunished and we must not concede to Nature’s demands. For years, [...]

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Let Me Tell You What the Role of the Young Trustee Is

As mentioned in a previous post, I will be running for Young Trustee. I am unveiling sections of my application to my loyal fans and readers. Below is my response to the first question of Part I of the application. I hope all of you are enlightened by my answer. 1. What is your perception [...]

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Let Me Tell You What You Should Have Been Doing This Winter Break

What most privileged college students don’t realize is that every dollar spent on Christmas gifts comes directly out of the pockets of the world’s impoverished. Most of Duke’s consumerist whore future I-Bankers will come up with some fancy b.s. economic model to hide the human suffering that hides behind every present you gifted to some [...]

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Let Me Tell You What You Ought To Be Thankful For

Thanksgiving is just around the corner, but, as I look around me, I see a lot of unthankful people. The truth is that you are so sheltered from the harsh realities of life that you cannot begin to comprehend how truly charmed your life is. But allow me to enlighten you; my DukeEngage experience this [...]

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My Semester Abroad Makes Your Life Look Like Shit

When I first got to England to begin my study abroad at Oxford, I was so nervous about having trouble adjusting. Would people discriminate against me because of my obvious American citizenship? How would I adjust to their lifestyle? Would I be able to overcome the language barrier that separates British English from American English? [...]

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How Should I Feel About Duke Football?

We all know Duke Football has been getting a lot of attention recently.  That is, everyone who writes/reads this blog knows.  That is, both of us, you and me, know.  Anyway, not all of it has been positive.  In fact, it’s worth a quick review of the varying types: 1. Overly optimistic hopes/predictions (ACC Champs!  [...]

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