Vast Majority of Facebook Users Not Worth Stalking, Killing

Levine Science Research Center—Almost all Facebook users are safe from personal information leaks from the site because no one cares enough to use said information in any way, a report published today said. The computer science researchers were working under a grant from the National Science Foundation to investigate privacy issues with Facebook. They found [...]

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Prayer Solves All Problems

Main Quadrangle—A prayer circle in front of the Chapel has solved all of the world’s problems today, God confirmed. The prayer circle was led by members of Come Pray With Us, a religious group that aims to “bring media attention to the face of Jesus,” its Web site says. The prayer group prayed ardently for [...]

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Facebook Suggestions More Aggressive

The Link—Many students were frightened when Facebook started to become more aggressive today in its left hand “Suggestions” box, the Office of Information Technology announced today. The box, which had previously contained possible persons users should “friend,” now offers commands like, “Help Margaret find more friends.” “Reconnect with Matt. Write on his wall.” “Check out [...]

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Dump Water on a Smoker at 3 p.m. Tomorrow

Fuck smokers. That’s what I have to say to all those assholes who go around blowing cancer into the air I breathe. Tobacco, everyone knows, was invented as a way for the aristocracy to exploit and make money off of the proletariat. Just because we founded this school on tobacco money doesn’t mean we ought [...]

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Study: Physical Attractiveness Unimportant To Men

Erwin Bay—Psychologists at the University’s Lithson laboratory have finally confirmed what Chronicle columnists have been asserting for years: men focus primarily on personality and intelligence in their search for potential mate. According to a paper to be printed in the November issue of Annals of Science, the researchers conducted the study on almost 300 college-aged [...]

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Citing H1N1 Prevention, DUMC to Stop Admitting Patients with H1N1

Duke University Medical Center—After several hospital administrative meetings determining how best to keep its patients safe from the H1N1 pandemic, the Duke University Medical Center has decided to no longer admit children infected with the H1N1 virus. Following the recent policy to bar entry to visitors under 18 years old, this latest measure is likely [...]

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Vaccine for Yellow Fever Offered

Student Health Center—Vaccines for students who have yellow fever will be offered for free in the Bryan Center for the next week, Chief of Student Health Greg Mend said today. According to the Student Health Web site, some of the symptoms of yellow fever include sudden and inexplicable interest in Asian students, urges to eat [...]

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Study: Criminals Get Little To No Rest

Erwin Bay—Researchers in the Duke psychology lab published the results of a study that shows a negative correlation between sleep and criminal activity, head researcher Cage the Elephant said Friday. According to Elephant, because “money don’t grow on trees” and “there ain’t nothing in this world for free,” those who engage in criminal activities, such [...]

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Can Females Be Douchebags?

Women’s Center—The University journal Carpe Noctem alleged in its September issue that females cannot be douchebags, prompting outrage on campus, Women’s Center Director Diane Radne said. The President’s Special Committee on Gender Equality will examine the issue in depth in a series of town hall meetings designed to illicit action plans from the student body. [...]

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Homosexual, Heterosexual Love Equally Worthless

Fuqua School of Business—Economists at the Fuqua School of Business announced today the results of an intensive three-week study on love. “Our calculations indicate that all love—homosexual, heterosexual, bisexual, what have you—is worth exactly $3.77 per item, or approximately the real cost of a T-shirt or five sugar cookies with rainbow sprinkles,” economics professor Charles [...]

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