Members of the Young Toolbag Nominating Committee (YTNC) congratulated themselves on another successful round of incompetence last week in their search for “The Tooliest of them All” from the Young Toolbag Pageant. Amongst other achievements, the committee succeeded in weeding out 7 of the 9 (possibly 10) female applicants.
The committee evaluated a written application and 10-minute interview to determine which candidates exhibited the most toolbaggy qualities in both writing and appearance. “All the chicks wore JCrew, which pretty much made them indistinguishable, but this one dude wore TOMS instead of Board of Toolbags-approved Sperry Top-Siders. Automatic NO,” SGD Senator and YTNC member Arlene Barker stated.
In addition to the interview and application, a new category, “candidate names,” was added to the selection criteria this year. “In the past, the first round in the application process has been ‘blind,’ meaning the committee would read applications without any indication of candidates’ names,” YTNC Chair and sophomore SGD Senator Charisma Lawson explained. “However, we felt that names were an incredibly important judge of how a candidate would fit into the Board of Toolbags. Candidates with a “Jr.” or “III” on the end of their name will bode well in the pageant, but I can’t imagine what we’d do if we had another ‘Sunny Kantha‘ debacle.”
From here the 8 semifinalists will be narrowed down to 3 through a longer, formal pageant interview, in which candidates will be expected to regurgitate the Duke Strategic Plan for no fewer than 20 minutes. As the student body awaits this final selection, the Weedicle’s top Facebook-stalking and Google-searching expert, Weedicle Fact Checker, has compiled a composite of the 8 semifinalist profiles, highlighting each candidate’s toolbaggiest qualities.
- The Dude with the Swishy Hair
In an October 2007 interview with Esquire magazine, the Dude with the Swishy Hair stated that he used no fewer than 39 different hair products in his daily morning routine and was even voted “Dude Most Likely to Whip My Hair Back and Forth” in high school. Correlation between hair swishiness and success in the Young Toolbag pageant has been deemed “highly significant,” as judged by the extreme hair swishiness of one of the current Young Toolbags, Ryan Todd, Trinity ’08.
- The Girl(s)
It is reported that two different girls made it to the semifinalist round, but their physical likeness (both have long hair and boobs) have made them virtually impossible to differentiate. For all intents and purposes, the Weedicle will consider them as “the” female candidate. - The SGD Senator
Though three of the seven candidates (four of the eight candidates, if you count each girl as a different person) are affiliated in some way with the Student Government of Duke, this candidate alone holds the prestigious title of “Senator.” Key qualifications for this candidate include raising his hand the most during SGD meetings and voting for Barack Obama. - The Chronic Edit Board Guy
Every year, there must be at least one Chronic Edit Board Guy for the Young Toolbag selection process to be legitimate. This year, it’s this guy.
- “Matt Davis”
A Google search for candidate “Matt Davis” yielded approximately 4,030,000 results. (Generic name = increased toolbaggyness.) Weedicle experts have narrowed down the possibilities of this candidate to three individuals: (1) Myspace personality “Matt Davis,” who enjoys writing in all caps and preying on underage girls; (2) Actor “Matt Davis,” most famously known for almost nonexistent roles in the premier films Legally Blonde and Blue Crush, and (3) the ultimate toolbag, “Matt Davis,” UNC Alum. - The Rhodes Scholar
Need we say more?
- The Kid from Texas
The state of Texas has long been known to fuel the guerrilla toolbag militia group, “The Republicans.” While it is undetermined if this candidate supports the elephant cause, this photograph obtained by Weedicle Fact Checker shows clear ties between the candidate and a rebel fruititarian group believed to finance many “Republican” activities.
