Sophomore Class Council Distributes Best Shirts Ever… To Itself

Great Hall—Sophomore Class Council, attired in their own humble embroidered uniforms, generously handed out free T-shirts to hundreds of students at Monday night’s West Campus Midnight Breakfast, witnesses reported. “The courage and strength of these students in the midst of the University’s budget crisis gives me hope for the future,” sophomore Laura Gillstun, who was in line for the event, said while clutching a poster with an assortment of advertisements—a gift from First-Year Advisory Council. A group of students in the line nominated Sophomore Class Council  for The Weedicle’s annual Award for Courageous Spending.

DSG To Vote On Resolution To Send Strongly Worded E-Mail Protesting Proposed Dining Plan

Schicano Auditorium—Duke Student Government will hold an emergency meeting to vote on whether or not it will pass a resolution that would give the president the authority to send a “strongly worded” e-mail to University administrators expressing disappointment over the new “directed choice” dining plan, DSG Executive Vice President Gerald Marrysen said. The resolution is expected to pass unanimously, and the e-mail will be written within 24 hours of the resolution’s passing, senators say. According to DSG President Ashley Noir, the e-mail may include as many as 10 exclamation points and the tone will be “harsh and even critical.” An amendment to the resolution proposed by sophomore Lelsie Mandel would stipulate that the e-mail must include no less than three “sad face” emoticons to symbolically express students’ unhappiness with the new dining plan. Administrators have have already made plans to address DSG’s lobbying efforts by deleting the e-mail from their in-boxes and pretending they never got it.

Two Duke Students Rob Gas Station At Gunpoint

Chapel Hill Street—Six Durham residents were robbed at gunpoint last night by two Duke students. The two students, described as 5′11″ white males of medium build, came into the gas station at approximately 2:23 a.m., wearing royal-blue Duke hoodies pulled tightly over their heads and brandishing revolvers.

One of the students demanded the the clerk empty the cash register and hand over all the cash, while the other took personal belongings from the customers. “I just don’t feel safe coming around Duke’s campus these days,”said Marshall Peters, who had his wallet stolen by the pair. Durham County Police Chief Graham Gloria said that the victims were largely at fault for coming that close to Duke’s campus that late at night. “You can’t expect to come anywhere near Duke’s campus without getting robbed by Duke students. If you weren’t such easy targets, we wouldn’t be having this conversation.”

High Concentration of Tools Almost Destroys Bryan Center

Bryan Center—The highest concentration of tools per square foot since 1997 almost caused the Bryan Center to collapse Tuesday night. The building began to shake around 7 p.m. Tuesday when both Duke Consulting Club and Bench and Bar Prelaw Society held general body meetings in Griffith Board Room and Bryan Center Meeting Room B, respectively. Unbeknown to both groups, Duke Student Government’s executive board was meeting in its office in the lower level of the Bryan Center. The legal maximum capacity for tools in the Bryan Center is 196, but experts estimate that last night’s meetings may have bought as many as 230 tools to the building. “It was a close one,” University Architect Mark Hallen said, “Thank God a study group for Econ 113 chose to study in Perkins instead of at McDonald’s last night—the Bryan Center wouldn’t be here today if they didn’t.” In 1997, a general body meeting of the Economics Majors Union caused the basement of Perkins Library to implode.

Duke Athletics Holds Sale to Balance Budget

Shwartz-Butters—In order to cut costs, the Athletics Department is selling hall of fame memorabilia, sports training materials and performance-enhancing drugs. “Everything must go!” Director of Athletics Kenneth Black said, “But act now! These prices won’t last forever!”

Junior Finally Has More Work to Do Than Best Friend

Edens—Junior Margaret Sanfern was able to beat alleged best friend junior Sarah Petersilia in their weekly competition over who has more work to do, Sanfern declared in her victory speech early Tuesday morning. The two have been comparing academic and extracurricular workloads since freshman year, with Petersilia, a biomedical engineering student, easily winning the contests. This week, however, Sanfern, a public policy student, will be working on three different papers that will bring her paper-writing to 31 pages total within a five-day period, applying for an internship and organizing a book drive for Durham local schools. Experts agree, though, that given Sanfern’s major and life prospects, her victory over Petersilia will be short-lived and, unless Sanfern decides to write a senior thesis, this will likely be the only such victory of Sanfern’s college career.

Commentators Sort B-Ballers by Athleticism

Durham–Commenting on the Blue Devils’ recent victory over the Connecticut Huskies, Dan Shulman and Mike Patrick assembled the definitive list of athletic and unathletic Duke athletes. “Take a guy like Ryan Kelly. He can really get up in the paint and alter shots with his size and speed. The one knock on him is that he’s just not very athletic.” Without much evidentiary support, the commentary team summarily ordered the team during a TV timeout in the second half.

“Jon Scheyer seems to be the standout MVP of this tournament,

Senioritis Infects Hundreds

Student Health Center—Just a week before final examinations, a wave of senioritis overwhelmed the University’s health services, and, at press time, has reportedly infected 327 members of the senior class. Doctors report that  infected students refuse to enter the library, abstain from attending lectures and often suddenly quit all extracurricular leadership positions. One extremely dangerous outburst occurred when one female senior was in an economics course; witnesses say she stood up suddenly, shouted “I got a job, bitches!” and ran out of the classroom. The student was later found tearing up her senior thesis and laughing uncontrollably. Health professionals have warned students that senioritis is extremely contagious, especially amongst the Class of 2010, and that underclassmen may experience debilitating bouts of hopelessness and fatigue when they come in contact with infected students.

Let Me Tell You What You Ought To Be Thankful For

Thanksgiving is just around the corner, but, as I look around me, I see a lot of unthankful people. The truth is that you are so sheltered from the harsh realities of life that you cannot begin to comprehend how truly charmed your life is. But allow me to enlighten you; my DukeEngage experience this summer in Ireland and the view from my apartment in Partners has showed me how truly fortunate you are. So here is what you ought to be thankful for:

1. Clean air. Your unsustainable breathing means that children in Mexico who work in sweatshops must breathe less.

2. Being alive. Billions of people and animals are dead. And yet you are alive. Be thankful that you are not dead.

3. Freedom of speech. The freedom to say what you want as long as it’s the same as what I want you to say is the foundation of liberty and democracy. There is a small sea turtle colony off the coast of Africa that is unable to be truly free in this manner.

Thanksgiving Buffet to Feature Crocodile Heads

Faculty Commons—The annual Thanksgiving lunch buffet, to be held Wednesday from 11 a.m. to 2 p.m. at the Faculty Commons, will feature crocodile heads instead of turkey. “We wanted to promote eating locally,” Director of Dining Service Jacob Willeen said, “And you can’t get more local than genuine crocodile meat straight from the WaDuke golf course’s pond at Hole 9.”